He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize