i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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