I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
