That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
there's paper in my vomit.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
