What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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