she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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