White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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