I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
