I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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