how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize