Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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