Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
false alarm. still invincible.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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