Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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