Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I need to calm my uterus...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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