i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The air was thick with penises
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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