marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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