my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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