Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
