im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
