I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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