I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
