just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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