The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
