Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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