I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
