Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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