Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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