quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize