I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
