taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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