I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
