I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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