haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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