I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
