i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
