I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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