I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
