Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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