I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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