ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
