Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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