Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
