So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
