his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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