I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
no you cant smoke seaweed
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
