I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
