so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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