I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
