Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize