GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
