All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
