I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
