Dual....:-)
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize