Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
