I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
