This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
