New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
