My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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