I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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