I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
