i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We're too hungover to prance.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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